Quotes from Steve Martin

A watched iPhone never syncs.

iPhone just synced perfectly with toaster. All is well.

Defendant running for exit. Not to escape, but out of disgust. Judge wearing NOTHING under his robes.

confidently motivated by poor judgment, I dropped in one-quarter of a Quaalude.

because here I was having a life, even though it was a pastiche of elements of the life of someone else.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

I feel good about being able to take bluegrass on to television like 'Letterman' and 'The View,' and I've heard nice things about being able to do that. I really haven't felt any negativity toward me or my music.

I just wanted to be in show business. I didn't care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy.

I would get records by Earl Scruggs... I would tune my banjo down and I'd pick out the songs note by note. Learned how to play that way. I persevered. There was a book written by Pete Seeger, who showed you some basic strumming and some basic picking... And I kind of worked out my own style of playing.

I loved doing 'Pennies from Heaven.' Because you have to understand that I'd been doing comedy for 15 to 20 years, and suddenly along came the opportunity to do this beautiful film. It was so emotional to me. I loved it. I don't think it was a good career move, but I have no regrets about doing it.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter.

Romance takes place when you first fall in love. It stirs all emotions and you can manipulate and be manipulated.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

I think when I was young, let's call it high school, and even before that, I just loved comedy, and I loved comedians. I grew up watching Laurel and Hardy. That's really a long time ago. I loved Jerry Lewis. I just loved comedians.

I gave my cat a bath the other day; they love it. He enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that . . .

I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the Cathedral at Chartres. It's a four-hundred-year-old cathedral, beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very moving experience, and as I was writing my name on it with a can of spray paint . . .

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

I'd just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

I was insecure about sex. I've grown more secure. I used to use the amateur phylactics, and I only use the prophylactics now.

Bad psychoanalysis would say I enjoyed pleasing people, working really hard and pleasing people, which is probably related to my father in some way. But I really liked working hard. When I worked at Disneyland, I'd do 12 hours straight and go home thrilled.

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.