Quotes from Sam Levenson

The difference between keeping things clean and keeping kids clean was that things just sat still and waited for the dirt to collect. We kids were carriers. We ran a pickup and delivery service.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

Times don't change. Men do.

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.

It would be useless to bomb Washington. If you destroy one building, they already have two other buildings completely staffed with people doing exactly the same thing.

At the U.N., any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor."

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.