Quotes from Norm MacDonald

So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know?

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

I don't like sports where it's like, you watch a guy on a motorcycle flip or something, then another guy does it, it looks exactly the same, and then at the end one guy gets higher points! It seems so arbitrary; I don't know who's ahead ever.

I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?'

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.