Quotes from Jeff Kinney

I'm probably something like 95% chicken nugget

Because it's our choices that makes us who we are...

He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.

I don't know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days.

Back in those days it was just me swimming around in the dark, doing back flips and taking naps whenever I want.

I just hope someone doesn't start the Cheese Touch up again, because I don't need that kind of stress in my life any more.

hope your birthday is hot hot hot

I'm not really sure what makes a book a "classic" to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

don't expect me to be all dear diary this and dear diary that

You know, back in the old days adults were respected because of how wise they were, and people went to them to help settle disputes. Nowadays it's a whole different world, and half the time I wonder if grown-ups should really be in charge.

Seriously, though, in this day and age I don't know why we're still cutting open frogs to see what's inside them. If somebody tells me there's a heart and intestines inside a frog, I'm willing to take their word for it.

Rodrick's punishment was that he had to answer a bunch of questions Mom wrote out for him. Did owning this magazine make you a better person? No. Did it make you more popular at school? No. How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine now? I feel ashamed. Do you have anything you want to say to women for having owned this offensive magazine? I'm sorry women.

After the presentations, we had to fill out these questionnaires. The first question was, 'Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?' I know EXACTLY where I will be in fifteen years: in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But there weren't any check boxes for THAT option.

Whenever you go with the cheaper option, you end up regretting it

I've realized is that every time you get something cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a week it's being used against you. (We'll be taking this away until your English grade improves)

Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.

Mom always says I need to spend less time on the couch and more time being active. But the way I see it. I'm just conserving my energy for later on. When all my friends are in their eighties and their bodies are broken down, I'll just be getting started.

Most people don't seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don't ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.

I started worrying that maybe you only get a certain number of prayers answered in you lifetime and I'm burning through mine too fast. I'd hate to find out later on that I used up all my chits, because I've been acting like I've got an unlimited supply.

Now there's a black market for toys at our school. Christopher Stangel brought in a bunch of Legos from home yesterday, and I hear a single brick will set you back fifty cents.

I'll tell you who has a lot of money, and that's Manny. I mean, that kid is RICH. A few weeks ago Mom and Dad told Manny they'd give him a quarter for every time he uses the potty without being asked. So now he carries around a gallon of water with him at all times.

Well, for starters, Abraham Lincoln didn't write 'To Kill a Mockingbird.

OCTOBER Wednesday My parents are always saying the world doesn't revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if it actually DOES. When I was a little kid, I saw this movie about a man whose whole life is secretly being filmed for a TV show. This guy is famous all over the world, and he doesn't KNOW it. Well, ever since I saw that movie, I've kind of figured the same thing is probably happening to ME. HOPE YOU CREEPS ARE ENJOYING YOURSELVES!

step step step no no no plop plop plop in i go