Quotes from Bill Engvall

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.

America loves to watch people growing and getting better.

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.

I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.

I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.

Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist.

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers.

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I have been passed over on some things because people didn't think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here.

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.

I used to hunt and fish.

The gas station attendant looks at the car and says, "You got a flat tire." I said, "No, the other three just swelled up."

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison

I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin.

its a dork fish

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick?" He said," no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.