Quotes from Bill Engvall

I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.

If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.