Quotes from Bill Engvall

I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off.

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Europe has such an expansive history.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.