Quotes from David Sedaris

Some of my additions to the list were things that Ronnie wasn't familiar with. "We're all going to the same place," for instance. This is what novice fliers in group five say when they get caught trying to board with group two. Sure, we're all headed to St. Louis. The difference is that some people (me) are going to find room in the overhead bins and others (you) are not.

I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, "Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds." You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports.

Strip to your underwear," she told me, and I said, "D'accord." As the woman turned to leave, she said something else, and, looking back, I really should have asked her to repeat it, to draw a picture if that's what it took, because once you take your pants off, d'accord isn't really OK anymore.

Even in a jar, that kid has outearned me.

It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves...

Nu avea nimic de-a face cu a schimba oamenii - uitati de asta, intr-o zi esti norocos si doar daca convingi pe cineva sa-si schimbe sosetele.

London is five hours ahead of Washington, DC, except when it comes to gay marriage. In that case, it's two years and five hours ahead, which was news to me. "Really?" I said, on meeting two lesbian wives from Wolverhampton. "You can do that here?

La momentul respectiv, Bob sapa morminte, o cariera care denota o lipsa imbucuratoare de ambitie.

As it was, I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

June 10, 2001 Chicago I'm still not sold on the bow tie and have been asking people for their opinions on it. "What do you say, yes or no?" I'd worried it suggested a wacky uncle and felt comforted when a woman at Borders said it made me look like a shy scholar. This carried me through to Barbara's, where a young man defined it as "the pierced eyebrow of the Republican Party." This should probably put an end to it once and for all.

One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.

my family's asshole.

Cand ne certam, tehnica lui tata era intotdeauna sa nege dorintele pe care ni le exprimam. Doca voiai, sa zicem, un teanc de clatite, nu-ti spunea ca nu ti le ia, ci ca tu, de fapt, nici nu le voiai.Stiu ce vreau era, fara exceptie combatut cu Nu, nu stii.

Immigrant parents who considered even potholders an extravagance. Slam its tail in the door of the milk truck and a stray cat could easily yowl out a single certain to top the charts back in Sparta or Thessaloniki. Angels, she said, were God's way of saying howdy.

Would the teacher take note of my bulging eyes or comment on the thin strand of saliva hanging like fishing wire from the corner of my mouth?

or the class moron will go on to become the president of the United States—though that's more likely to happen at Harvard or Yale, schools that will pretty much let in anybody.

Imi place sa vad oamenii dezbracati, dar nu sunt sigur ca sunt pregatit sa ma vad pe mine dezbracat. Cel mult voi scapa de cateva kilorame din cauza anxietatii si voi iesi castigat de doua ori. Cu cut sunt mai putin obligat sa ma accept asa cum sunt, cu atat mai usor imi va fi. Deja simt ca mi-a pierit apetitul.

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species.

Imi place sa vad oamenii dezbracati, dar nu sunt sigur ca sunt pregatit sa ma vad pe mine dezbracat. Cel mult voi scapa de cateva kilorame din cauza anxietatii si voi iesi castigat de doua ori. Cu cat sunt mai putin obligat sa ma accept asa cum sunt, cu atat mai usor imi va fi. Deja simt ca mi-a pierit apetitul.

My dad was like the Marine Corps. Only instead of tearing you to pieces and then putting you back together, he just did the first part and called it a day. Now it seems cruel, abusive even, but this all happened before the invention of self-esteem, which frankly, I think is a little overrated.

When I bleat here on page seventeen, do you want me to just bleat or to really let go and 'bleat, bleat'? " I asked. "I feel like 'bleat, bleating,' but if Mother/Destroyer is going to be crawling through the birth canal of concertina wire, I don't want to steal focus, you know what I mean?" He did. That was the scary part, that someone understood me.

Maybe you should grow a Vandyke." I didn't say that I'd rather have herpes, as the doctor had a Vandyke himself. It looked like he'd taken a big gulp from a mugful of hair.

My Yiayiá was exactly the sort of friend I'd liked as an adult, someone with an endless supply of hard-luck stories and no desire to ever write a book.