Quotes from David Sedaris

When I saw myself through my parents' eyes, I saw a worm crawling through mud and shit toward a psychedelic mushroom, but when I saw myself through hers, I felt that things were possibly not as bad as they seemed.

Happiness is harder to put into words. It's also harder to source, much more mysterious than anger or sorrow, which come to me promptly, whenever I summon them, and remain long after I've begged them to leave. For

Don't get me wrong, I wish them the best. I just don't feel the need to see them again.

As for the ewe, she was still in meditation, her eyes clamped shut, repeating the code of thieves and charlatans and those who are good to themselves the world over. I have to do what I have to do, she said. I have to do what I have to do.

One weapons store was located next to a ballet school that also sold powdered vitamin drinks, the kind used by bodybuilders. In the window were tutus, enormous cans of whey protein, and pictures of tanned, overdeveloped men who grimaced and looked, in Hugh's words, as if they were being roasted alive in a hot oven.

It maybe wasn't the best story in the world, but, as the mouse had told him on more than one occasion, it wasn't the worst either.

She couldn't swim, but enjoyed standing at the water's edge with a pole in her hand. It wasn't exactly what you'd call fishing, as she caught nothing and expressed neither hope nor disappointment in regard to her efforts. What she thought about while looking at the waves was a complete mystery, yet you could tell that these thoughts pleased her, and that she liked herself better while thinking them.

Increasingly at Southern airports, instead of a "good-bye" or "thank-you," cashiers are apt to say, "Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne. "Get it off me!" I always want to scream.

people aren't foolish as much as they are kind.

It is not unpleasant to hold someone else's warm teeth in your hand...

I left the store determined that when and if it was ever my turn and I was the author seated at that table, I was going to engage people until they grew old, or at least thirsty. Well, all right, then, they'd say, looking past me for the nearest exit, let me let you go. I would see them until they wilted.

My argument was an old and stodgy one: the best thing you can do for the poor is avoid joining their ranks, thus competing with them for limited goods and services.

Miss Spakey, isn't it ironic that while I was busy adding and subtracting you were dividing and trying to multiply.' " I know this is bad.

I felt the hatred of my classmates and slunk down in my seat. Then

In fact, there are only two kinds of flights: ones in which you die and ones in which you do not.

And there's no point in me doing anything if I can't write about it," I continued. "It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don't write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.

We're all going to the same place," for instance. This is what novice fliers in group five say when they get caught trying to board with group two. Sure, we're all headed to St. Louis. The difference is that some people (me) are going to find room in the overhead bins and others (you) are not.

The squirrel and the chipmunk had been dating for two weeks when they ran out of things to talk about.

It's safe to assume that by 2025, guns will be sold in vending machines, but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

Mädchen Two never accompanied us to the beach and rarely posed in any of the family photographs. Once her puppyhood was spent, we lost all interest. "We ought to get a dog," we'd sometimes say, completely forgetting that we already had one.

Whenever we passed the place [Dix Hill, the local state mental hospital], my sisters and I would stick our heads out the car window, expecting to hear a hysterical voice cackling, "I'm mad, I tell you, MAD!" The patient would embrace his lunacy as though it were a treasure he had discovered hidden beneath the floor-boards. "Mad! mad!

Usually when I was forced to compete, it was my tactic to simply give up. To try in any way was to announce your ambition, which only made you more vulnerable. The person who wanted to win but failed was a loser, while the person who didn't really care was just a weirdo—a title I had learned to live with.

She offered to have my glasses fixed but drew the line when I asked for a brand-new pair. "But the ones I've got make me look like a bozo." "Well, of course they do," she said. "They're glasses. That's their job.

A lot of our outlawed terms were invented by black people and then picked up by whites, who held on to them way past their expiration date. "My bad," for example, and "I've got your back" and "You go, girlfriend." They're the verbal equivalents of sitcom grandmothers high-fiving one another, and on hearing them, I wince and feel ashamed of my entire race.