Quotes from Lily Tomlin

What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!

When we talk to god, it's prayer. When god talks to us, it's schizophrenia.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

Maybe if people started to listen, history would stop repeating itself.

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Just remember, we're all in this alone.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don't feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket - The road to success is always under construction

There's nothing sadder than getting to the end of your life and saying, 'I didn't do it right'.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all I might have been willing to settle for less.

I've always wanted to be somebody but I see now I should have been more specific.

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it.

I think life is perverse. It can be beautiful, but it won't.