Quotes from Lenny Bruce

I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?'

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

Life is a four-letter word.

There are never enough 'I love you's.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If you can't say Fuck you can't say, Fuck the government.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.