Quotes from Will Cuppy

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

If a cat does something, we call it instinct if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence.

Some people lose all respect for the lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people.

I don't like to boast, but I have probably skipped more poetry than any other person of my age and weight in this country.

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something.

Aristotle taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.

A few Cobras in your home will soon clear it of Rats and Mice. Of course, you will still have the Cobras.

Egypt has been called the Gift of the Nile. Once every year the river overflows its banks, depositing a layer of rich alluvial soil on the parched ground. Then it recedes and soon the whole countryside, as far as the eye can reach, is covered with Egyptologists.

The Mexicans gave the Spaniards malaria, and the Spaniards gave the Mexicans smallpox, whooping cough, diphtheria, and syphilis. The Spaniards believed it was better to give than to receive.

In some respects, Nero was ahead of his time. He boiled his drinking water to remove the impurities and cooled it with unsanitary ice to put them back in. He renamed the month of April after himself, calling it Neroneus, but the idea never caught on because April is not Neroneus and there is no use pretending that it is. During his reign of fourteen years, the outlying provinces are said to have prospered. They were farther away.

During part of her childhood, Elizabeth was illegitimate. In 1534, Parliament ruled that it was treason to believe her illegitimate. In 1536, it was treason to believe her legitimate. Signals were changed again in 1543, and again in 1553. After that you could believe anything.

Queen Elizabeth was rather a flirt all her life. She finally developed a bad habit of boxing her partners' ears and shouting "god's death, I'll have thy head!" This discouraged some of her more sensitive partners

The Bayeux Tapestry is accepted as an authority on many details of life and the fine points of history in the eleventh century. For instance, the horses in those days had green legs, blue bodies, yellow manes, and red heads, while the people were all double-jointed and quite different from what we generally think of as human beings.

Would it not be downright cruel to keep him in semi-captivity in a town or city, where the opportunities for wreaking havoc and destruction upon the landscape are necessarily so limited? In a word, is it right to attract Wombats?

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

A hermit is simply a person to whom civilization has failed to adjust itself.

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

It's easy to see the faults in people, I know; and it's harder to see the good. Especially when the good isn't there.

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.

He had also learned that there is no use murdering people; there are always so many left, and if you tried to murder them all you would never get anything else done.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.

Just when you're beginning to think pretty well of people, you run across somebody who puts sugar on sliced tomatoes.