Quotes from Will Cuppy

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

There are 2, 500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes.

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it.

If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence.

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose.

If an animal does something, we call it instinct. If we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.

Aristotle described the Crow as chaste. In some departments of knowledge, Aristotle was too innocent for his own good.

I don't like to boast, but I have probably skipped more poetry than any other person of my age and weight in this country.

Armadillos make affectionate pets, if you need affection that much.

To the seeing eye life is mostly Sparrows.

My philosophy of life can be summed up in four words: It can't be helped.

The trouble with the dictionary is that you have to know how a word is spelled before you can look it up to see how it is spelled.

It's easy to see the faults in people I know; it's hardest to see the good. Especially when the good isn't there.

Just when you're beginning to think pretty well of people, you run across somebody who puts sugar on sliced tomatoes.

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Alexander III of Macedon is known as Alexander the Great because he killed more people of more different kinds than any other man of his time.

Cæsar might have married her [Cleopatra], but he had a wife at home. There's always something.

Henry VIII had so many wives because his dynastic sense was very strong whenever he saw a maid of honour.

It is because of his brain that he [modern man] has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.

Some people lose all respect for the lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people.

I only know that all is lost, and that nothing can help me unless I inherit money, strike oil or go to work.