Quotes from Les Dawson

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

The wife's Mother said, 'When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.' I said: 'Good, I'm being buried at sea'.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'