Quotes from Earl Wilson

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.

A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women - but not far enough to lose his balance.

This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we'd probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.

The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Middle Age - Later than you think and sooner than you expect.