Quotes from David Wong

I tried to say something cool, wound up stammering something like, "WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?" The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

You see, time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud.

I wrapped up the remaining half burrito and tossed it into the trash can. Molly watched this act of wastefulness with an expression like she had just seen her entire family die in a fire.

Folding chairs were flying through the air as if propelled by dozens of invisible Bobby Knights.

we will once again err on the side of not letting people be murdered . You take the choice in front of you. And then you keep picking the non-murder choice as long as you can.

We don't feel like that's a good faith offer, because it seems more like you're just trying to save money on cockroaches.

There were two spacemen right behind us, holding some kind of weapons on us that I didn't recognize. They were bulky and ended in some kind of slanted lens thing. I kinda wanted to get shot with one, just to see what it did.

Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck.

I don't think I could find the Philippines on a map." "Yes you could, the maps have all of the countries labeled. That's literally what a map is for.

The man who greeted her on the sidewalk was named Hank Kowalski. He was bald and had the eyes of a man whose favorite joke is just a shrieking child falling down a flight of stairs.

Ravenous appetites and strange desires lurking just below, like I was bobbing on an inner tube in the middle of the ocean while below me swarmed the swift shadows of a vast school of Cthulhus.

Arnie sighed and for a quick moment looked genuinely sympathetic that someone could dream up something this elaborately sad.

I noticed John had brought along a thermos of his coffee, this "favor" already qualifying as an all-nighter. I admit, the horrific burning sensation really did keep you awake.

He had braces, sported a black Limp Bizkit Tshirt. Limp Bizkit is a band that was popular at the time. If you're fortunate, you've never heard of them.

I stared at him. I said, "Wait, really? Like there's an actual part of our brain that dictates how many people we can tolerate before we start acting like assholes?" "Congratulations, now you know the single reason why the world is the way it is.

That whole bit was something John had come up with, the man having a terrible habit of carrying out his drunken 3:00 A.M. ideas even after daylight and sobriety came. It was always 3:00 A.M. for John.

No matter where you go, management is always a bunch of cheap bastards.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked "That if Franz Kafka were here his head would explode?" "Actually, yeah.

Kill me and burn my body. Then burn this place down on top of me. Find the other doors if there are more, and burn them down, too. In fact, just burn the whole town. Just to be safe.

They passed a law that said I couldn't put my hands in my pockets. Do you know why? Because they would become concealed weapons. I can kill a man with these hands.

My resume is worthless—it turns out that managing a now-defunct video store in your twenties while solving monster crimes qualifies you for absolutely nothing else.

Our true fear of the zombie was never that its bite would turn us into one of them. Our fear is that we are already zombies.

Contrary to what TV and movies have told you, it's nearly impossible to have a hallucination that you can both see and hear—the mentally ill either just hear voices, or just see things, due to how the brain is wired.

Fred nodded and said, "So what you're saying is, if we all die, that's not even the worst-case scenario." John replied, "I'd still like to shoot a little higher than that, Freddy.