Quotes from David Wong

And you know what happens when a ship gets too many rats on board? It sinks. That's what. I wondered if a ship had ever really sunk that way.

This whole thing happened because I got up last night, because my cat got hungry and I had to go find a fork, and I stumbled into that conference room and saw Will and Ling and their cop friend messing with a severed hand." Budd said, "A severed what?" and Andre said, "Your cat eats with a fork?

So you see, fear is just another manifestation of insecurity. What humans want most of all, is to be right. Even if we're being right about our own doom. If we believe there are monsters around the next corner ready to tear us apart, we would literally prefer to be right about the monsters, than to be shown to be wrong in the eyes of others and made to look foolish.

John ducked casually across some DO NOT DUCK CASUALLY ACROSS THIS TAPE tape

English should have a word for that feeling you get when you first wake up in a strange room and have no freaking idea where you are. Hotezzlement?

What is it with rich people thinking they can starve the poor into good behavior?

And no one cares. You kick and scream and cry out into the darkness, and no answer comes. You rage against the unfathomable injustice and two blocks away some guy watches a baseball game and scratches his balls.

This is the breaking point in a human life, right here. This is waking up on an operating table to find aliens peering down at you, this is hearing the audible voice of God telling you the date the world will end. This is seeing a family of bigfoots in the forest and being without a camera. Welcome to freakdom, Dave. It'll be time to start a website soon.

Whoops,' said John. 'I tossed our ball into another universe.' 'You wanna go home?' 'Yeah, just let me get my ball.

I said to John, "You know that if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?" John said, "I dunno, Dave, but before we make a bomb I have to shave half the dog." I nodded. He got up, called to Molly and herded her into my bathroom. I wondered when the soy sauce would take effect.

It had the tangled floor plan common to all hospitals, seemingly designed by someone who believed in the healing power of watching confused visitors aimlessly wander around hallways.

So why do we call her crazy for piling her trailer full of more cats than she could take care of but applaud when somebody accumulates more money than they can spend? They're both hoarders.

The future is what it is," said Largeman. "Your people have been poisoned with the myths of lone men turning the tide, improbable tales of heroes outrunning explosions with their feet. Such tales are forbidden here. Events are laid forth and they cannot be turned. There are no heroes, Mr. Wong.

I took a breath and said, "Look … you remember when we watched Star Wars with Amy? And she's like, 'Why is Princess Leia being such a bitch when those guys just rescued her?' Well I don't want to be the Leia in this situation and I completely appreciate what a sweet ramp job that was back there. But did you have any kind of a plan at all?

You want to hear a story? Well, buckle the fuck up." From: What the Hell Did I Just Read

You are now aware that your lower jaw has weight, and that it requires effort for you to hold it up. Good evening.

My point is, I have a job, just like you. I get a paycheck, I get memos. Just like you, I have superiors, and they have superiors who I am not allowed to speak to. Orders filter down from on high, arriving at my level stripped entirely of all context or rationale or justification. Orders do not come with an illustration of how they serve the overall goals of the organization. Same as any other job.

Tip: if you ever feel a puke coming on, do not, do not put your hand over your mouth to try to catch it. It's reflex but it doesn't work at all. Vomit kind of sprays everywhere.

Snap. Ka-chunk. That's how I spell the sound of a doorknob turning.

It's like in the moment Tasker asked to speak to us, we simultaneously split into three separate timelines. If you understand how this sort of thing could work, please write down your explanation with as much clarity and detail as you can, then throw it in the trash because who gives a shit.

Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis's penis would be larger than your penis." There was a moment of stunned silence, then I heard Jen start laughing so hard I thought she would choke. "Fuck all of you," John retorted. "You don't even exist. We're all just a figment of my cock's imagination.

Around us, the disembodied human limbs were piling up, forming a circle around the fountain, fusing themselves to each other like Satan's LEGO set.

if your dog was dabbling in the occult while you had her it's best you tell us now. We're experts.

The English language needs a word for that feeling you get when you badly need help, but there is no one who you can call because you're not popular enough to have friends, not rich enough to have employees, and not powerful enough to have lackeys.