Quotes from David Wong

One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, "Do you believe this shit?

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

John. I would ask you what you are doing, but I fear you would actually tell me.

ANYBODY ORDER A JAILBREAK WITH A SIDE OF SHOTGUN?

I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there's none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out.

A clean conscience is expensive, it's the reason most men have to live paycheck to paycheck.

You want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?

Welcome to Undisclosed. Dreams Interpreted for Beer.

My shame circuits burned out from overuse years ago.

Well, they never know they're ill, do they? You can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. So, I suppose you just feel normal and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.

A cockroach has no soul. Yet it runs and eats and shits and fucks and breeds. It has no soul, yet it lives a full life. Just like you.

and - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.

SOCIETY IS DOOMED for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in materials to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down.

You don't realize how terrifying the world can be for someone like that, someone who would rather stay in a familiar hole than an unfamiliar mansion.

And, well, that's my story," I said. "I'm sorry that it's so, you know. Retarded.

the whole world [is]a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you'll die, and you'll probably be alone.

No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just...well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died.

Fuck all of you," John retorded. "You don't even exist. We're all just a figment of my cock's imagination.

That's what life is. Adjustment.

THE END IS NOT NEAR IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED WE JUST DIDN'T CARE

Here's exclusive Channel 5 video of a local man having his brain eaten by a winged gremlin. Local gremlin experts warn that—

I picked up the phone and dialed up John on his cell. One ring, and then- "I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, VINNY!" "John?" "Oh, Dave. Sorry. I had been having a heated argument here on my phone and then I hung up in disgust. Then when the phone rang I just assumed, without checking, that it was the person I was having an argument with so I just blindly shouted insults into the phone. How embarrassing." "I'm getting sick of that one, John.

Here's what's going to happen: You're going to die and you're going to stand at the gates of judgement and you're going to ask God what was the meaning of it all, and God will say, 'I created the universe, you little shit. It was up to YOU to give it meaning'.