Quotes from David Wong

If a spider walks onto your bed, you squish it. If a butterfly lands on your bed, you take a picture. Is the butterfly 'doing something to your brain'? If I didn't make myself look like this, I would already be dead. You kill everything that doesn't have pretty wings.

You can't focus on death, or failure. Otherwise you're surrendering greatness to all the people too dumb to contemplate it.

Do they know they make the honey for you? Or do they work tirelessly because they think its their own choice?

The phrase 'sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist' suddenly flew through my mind.

I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger kill a man in a movie by grabbing his head and twisting it until the neck broke. Was that difficult? Could a man do it without a lot of practice?

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.

It's nothing to be ashamed of—often the greatest difficulty faced by people suffering from mental illness is society's inexcusable ignorance of the subject.

And then the Jamaican guy pulls out the sauce. "It be opening doors to other worlds, mon," he days. We made him do it first, saw that he didn't die. It seemed to make him pretty happy and then - Dave, the guy, I know I didn't really see this, but the guy shrunk himself, made himself three feet tall. We all laughed our asses off, then he was back to normal again.' And you still tried that shit?' Are you kidding? How could I not?

Amy said, "So, you're making a flamethrower?" "Amy, we gotta be prepared. We don't know what we'll find in that place, but for all we know it could be the Devil himself." "David, what possible good is that thing gonna do?" "Oh, no, you didn't hear me. I said it's a flamethrower ." Girls.

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee." That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.

You can lie to yourself, say that you never had a choice, that you weren't cut out for this. But deep down you'll know. You'll know that humans aren't cut out for anything. We cut ourselves out. Slowly, with a rusty knife.

You hate me because I'm blunt and have no patience for wasted time or wasted words. Because I'm not nice. Well, a lot of nice people are nice because they've figured out it's a great way to get things from other people. Some of the slimiest snakes I've run across have been nice. So let me tell you now, if you ever see me resort to being nice, run.

Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis's penis would be larger than your penis.

Of all the dogs I've known in my life, I've never seen a better driver.

I am not the star of a zombie movie. I am the guy in the background who gets eaten in the first montage.

the most powerful impression a person can make is that they don't care if they make an impression.

Somebody said my name, asked if I was okay. I didn't answer, the sound of the commotion dying around me as the heavy monkey of sleep rested its warm, hairy ass on my eyelids.

Do the bees know they make the honey for you? Or do they work tirelessly because they think it is their own choice? Have you never noticed that, after hearing a new word for the first time in your life, you'll hear it again within twenty-four hours? Do you ever wonder why sometimes you'll see a single shoe lying along the road?

Your 'let's remain calm and stay put' speech would be a lot more convincing if you weren't giving it in front of a pile of burning skeletons.

Zoey didn't want to be paranoid, but there was something about the man in the loincloth made of charred doll heads that made her nervous.

all the king's doctors and all the king's pills couldn't make Frank's waking nightmares go away.

I reached for the knob. At the same moment it began to melt and transform, turning pink and finally taking the shape of a flaccid penis. It flopped softly against the door, like a man was cramming it through the knob hole from the other side. I turned back to John and said, 'That door cannot be opened.

If Zoey Ashe had known she was being stalked by a man who intended to kill her and then slowly eat her bones, she would have worried more about that and less about getting her cat off the roof.

Marconi said, "I see you have your instruments. Can any of you sing? The old spirituals work best." John said, "I can sing." I said, "No, you can't, John." "Well, I play the guitar." "So can I," said Big Jim. "We have two guitars." I said, "This could not be any stupider." John said, "Dave, you remember the words to 'Camel Holocaust'?" "Ah, once again, you prove me wrong, John.