Quotes from Woody Allen

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

If you're not failing, you're not trying anything.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

If I had my life to live over, I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

I am two with nature.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.