Quotes from Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.