Quotes from Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree, ' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

I'm not the heroic type, really. I was beaten up by Quakers.