Quotes from Woody Allen

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists

What kind of government is this? It's getting more like California all the time.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.