Quotes from Woody Allen

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful — provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

[I]t is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

As the poet said, "only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Early in life I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I am two with nature.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.