Quotes from Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

I don't want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic.

[Of bisexuality:] It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife–a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.

Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know, they become lawyers.

A relationship, I think, is, is like a shark, you know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies, and I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

That's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

Every once in a while I feel that I am at two with the universe.

It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count, it's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only . . . only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said "No."

If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Yes, but–as empty experiences go–it's one of the best!