Quotes from Woody Allen

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan–I stroke.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ.

I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no."

Two hundred and four if you count my marriage.

The man has an axe. There's two of us. There'll be four of us in no time.

Play it again, Sam!

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

I don't believe in the after life, although I'm bringing a change of underwear.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

He [the psychiatrist] said, well, do I think that sex is dirty and I said: "It is if you're doing it right."

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

In Beverly Hills, they don't throw their garbage away — they make it into television shows.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.

Sex relieves tension — love causes it.