Quotes from Woody Allen

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other.

With a play, when the curtain goes up and people are in garbage cans, I know I may admire the idea cerebrally, but it won't mean as much to me. I've seen Beckett, along with many lesser avant-gardists, and many contemporary plays, and I can say yes, that's clever and deep but I don't really care. But when I watch Chekhov or O'Neill--where it's men and women in human, classic crises--that I like.

Given the consistency and dimensions of his exaltation of flops, it has remained a puzzle on par with string theory how he manages to raise money for each fresh theatrical holocaust.

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I appreciate the chance to visit my mom on Mother's Day -- it's like taking a refresher course in guilt.

You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

I think if you have a comic perspective, almost anything that happens you tend to put through a comic filter. It's a way of coping in the short term, but has no long term effect and requires constant, endless renewal. Hence people talk of comics who are "always on." It's like constantly drugging your sensibility so you can get by with less pain.

There's no rhyme or reason to anything that I do. It's whatever seems right at the time.

If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.

This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

I recently turned 60 years old. Practically a third of my life is over.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you," but "It's benign."

When I was a little boy, I wanted a dog desperately, and we had no money. My parents got me an ant. I called it "Spot." Coming home late one night, Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. Spot was with me; I said "Kill!" and Sheldon stepped on my dog.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

I was thrown out of college. I cheated on my metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Love is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some good questions.