Quotes from Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road

Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not the thing with feathers. The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.