Quotes from George Lopez

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

In life, there's a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don't have balance, you have comedy.

I don't know if the art of stand-up will survive. Stand-up seems dated. Now you can do a mini-movie or a short with a beginning, middle, and end. A guy standing there seems a little old - especially when you can go on the Internet and see 'Funny or Die.'

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.

It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.

The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.

Life is great and golf has been one of the great parts of it for me.

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.