Quotes from George Lopez

Mexican people never say they're sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! "You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is." Did she say she was sorry? "Ta loco, he's seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I'll say sorry."

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Everything will be seen on your computer or BlackBerry or whatever devices we will be seeing in the future. Comedians will put their content on whatever server and send it to you specifically. We may even lose the live performance.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

The thing that upsets me the most is the entitlement of people that will stand with a flag and say to some other people that they need to go back to where they came from. When, in fact, they also would need to go back to where they came from, because you need to go all the way back to the beginning.

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!