Quotes from Wilson Mizner

God help those who do not help themselves.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Failure has gone to his head.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

I want a priest, a rabbi, and a Protestant clergyman. I want to hedge my bets.

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

Life is a tough proposition and the first hundred years are the hardest.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen 'Hey, you'

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.