Quotes from Tim Allen

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

The greatest missile in the world is useless...unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids—for everyone, even if you fail at first—to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

Anyway, they used to beat up on Barry all the time. They called it roughhousing , which is like men calling lying bullshitting .

You are a sad, strage little man.

One thing you'll never hear boys--or for that matter, men--saying is, "Charlie, that's a good-looking shirt. Kind of a fun thing. And those trousers make your ass look nice. Can I borrow those?

If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

It's sad knowing that after something happens, every option to change the past is gone.

convictions and beliefs! .. what do they have to do with religion!

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot".

When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

The most important thing I've discovered is that I love her best when I'm not scared of her, when I'm not worrying myself crazy because she's a girl and I'm a boy and I don't understand all there is to understand about her, or because I'm afraid I haven't been a good enough [dad]. Fear gets in the way of love, and I've discovered that fear, and not hate, is the opposite of love.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.