Quotes from Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?

I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.

The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'