Quotes from Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

spoon, jar, jar jar spoon

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

I belong to the secret six. It's so secret I don't even know the other five.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.