Quotes from Tommy Cooper

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

So a man jumps into a taxi and says King Arthur's close and the taxi driver says, don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights.