Quotes from Dana Gould

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.