Quotes from Dana Gould

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.