Quotes from Dana Gould

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Glorious beyond compare is the heavenly city. There, victory is truth, dignity is holiness, peace is happiness, life is eternity" (ll:29).

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Competition is the death of art.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.