Quotes from Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer… but no one will do it.

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.