Quotes from Anthony Jeselnik

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.