Quotes from Anthony Jeselnik

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That's crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.