Quotes from Anonymous

A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning, provided its end is close to its beginning.

The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening.

We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked.

Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."

When I told her we were going to roast her, she said, "Of course, . . . they only crucify the innocent."

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.

Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume, that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.

We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But, fortunately, due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied, "There's a first time for everything, so try to be funny and brief."

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously, they've never heard me tell a joke.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

I'm moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it.

Opportunity knocks but once.

Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.

Have a place for everything and have everything in its place.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

The apples on the other side of the wall are the sweetest.

Acorns were good till bread was found.

He who leaves his house in search of happiness pursues a shadow.

Fear is the dark room in which negatives are developed.

Keep a thing seven years and you will find a use for it.

Anything which parents have not learned from experience they can now learn from their children.