Quotes from Victor Borge

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

How nice. Now the Germans can sleep in peace, knowing that they will not be invaded by us.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.

You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town; I see that each of you bought two or three seats.