Quotes from Harriet Lerner

Remember that women have a long legacy of assuming responsibility for other people's feelings and for caring for others at the expense of the self. Some of us may care for others by picking up their dirty socks or doing their "feeling work"; some by being less strong, self-directed, and competent than we can be so as to avoid threatening those important to us. Changing our legacy is possible but not easy. Think small to begin with, but think.

Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that doesn't serve us.

Separateness" does not mean emotional distance, which is simply one means of managing anxiety or emotional intensity. Rather, separateness refers to the preservation of the "I" within the "we" - the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness.

The right to be different, whether by choice or necessity, is our greatest right as human beings. And dealing with differences is the greatest of all human challenges. People react anxiously and fearfully to differences. We learn to hate, glorify, deny, exaggerate, or eradicate a difference. Or we try to get comfortable by shaming the different person or group.

Surely human consciousness would take a big leap forward if our wish to hear and understand were as great as our wish to be heard and understood.

The challenge in all intimate relationships is to preserve both the "I" and the "we" without losing either when the going gets tough. If we're faced with a choice, we need to choose speech over silence, keep our behavior in line with our stated values and beliefs—and save ourselves first.

Neden sorunlar?m?z? ve seçeneklerimizi belirleyip konumumuzu aç?kl??a kavuÅŸturmak yerine, kronik kavgac? ve ÅŸikayetçi kiÅŸiler oluyoruz? Hay?r, kad?nlar kurban edilmiÅŸ, altta kalm?? konumlar?ndan mazoÅŸist bir zevk alm?yorlar. Tam tersine; tahterevalli evliliÄŸinin alt ucunda oturan kad?n, pes etme ve özveride bulunma düzeyiyle doÄŸru orant?l? bir öfke biriktiriyor içinde.

Whatever brings you joy and zest will enhance your ability to act bravely.

Control is an illusion—a fact you will learn very fast if you become ill, or have things fall apart in some other way. When we understand vulnerability and suffering as an essential part of being human, our individual fate can be easier to manage.

We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.

If the other person has pushed through his or her discomfort to do the right thing and apologize, we can push through our discomfort and say, "Thanks for the apology." It's important to resist the temptation to cancel the effort at repair that a genuine apology is.

When a woman loses her resolve to speak up and stand firmly behind her position, she may be vulnerable to depression, anxiety, headaches, chronic anger, and bitterness.

We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior.

privacy shifts into secrecy when an act of deliberate concealment or hiding has a significant impact on a relationship process

Nothing is more fragile than a single snowflake," it said. "But look what they can do when they stick together.

venting anger does not solve the problem that anger signals.

Real closeness occurs most reliably not when it is pursued or demanded in a relationship, but when both individuals work consistently on their own selves. <...> Working on the self includes clarifying beliefs, values, and life goals, staying responsibly connected to persons on one's own family tree, defining the "I" in key relationships, and addressing important emotional issues as they arise.

Differences don't just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us. Indeed, differences are the only way we learn. If our intimate relationships were composed only of people identical to ourselves, our personal growth would come to an abrupt halt.

real life is complicated, messy, unquantifiable, contextual, full of paradoxes and contradictions.

Our society doesn't promote self-acceptance and it never will. First of all, self-acceptance doesn't sell products. Capitalism would fall if we liked ourselves the way we are now.

Getting older brings the comforting knowledge that the things we consider most shameful and weird about ourselves are actually pretty universal—or if not, that other folks have their own shameful and weird stuff. This growing realization that we're not so unique makes it easier to share who we really are and how we got there.

All of us are vulnerable to intense, non-productive angry reactions in our current relationships if we do not deal openly and directly with emotional issues from our first family—in particular, losses and cutoffs. If we do not observe and understand how our triangles operate, our anger can keep us stuck in the past, rather than serving as an incentive and guide to form more productive relationship patterns for the future.

The healing power of a good apology is also immediately recognizable. When someone offers me a genuine apology, I feel relieved and soothed. Whatever anger and resentment I may still be harboring melts away. I also feel better when I offer an apology I know is due. I'm enormously grateful that I can repair the disconnection after having made a mistake or acted badly.

Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur.