Quotes from Harriet Lerner

There is courage in speaking. We voice our differences, we share real feelings, we address a painful emotional issue, open a family secret, tell the truth. We take a clear position on things that matter to us. We clarify the limits of what we can or can't do. We speak not with the intention of getting comfortable but with the intention of being our best selves, even though we may be shaking in our boots.

You can measure the amount of anxiety in any system by the amount of gossip going on.

If you are feeling angry, think very carefully about what new position you want to take before doing anything. By its very nature anger propels us into quick action, so guard against this. You will only fall on your face if you attempt to take a new position that you are not yet ready to take or that you have only casually thought through. Alice was furious with an

But fibbing, including "polite" or social lies, can become part of the daily fabric of living—a way of avoiding conflict and complication that becomes so habitual we fail to notice even the fact of it and its imperceptible erosion of our integrity and our relationships.

When it comes to fighting shame, sticking together is the most powerful force imaginable.

I resonate with the words of Anaïs Nin, "Each friend represents a world in us.

We can operate from a solid position of self, even when the other person won't speak to us at all.

You know, Dad," Ben said matter-of-factly, "as we get closer and closer to home, I can just feel the layers of maturity peeling off me.

Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect, and placate the world. We may hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it.

Learning to use our anger effectively requires some letting go—letting go of blaming that other person whom we see as causing our problems and failing to provide for our happiness; letting go of the notion that it is our job to change other people or tell them how they should think, feel, behave.

Action is powerful. Sometimes you can move past a fear quickly, if you are willing to act. When you avoid what you fear, your anxieties are apt to worsen over time.

people who feel shamed and inadequate themselves tend to pass it on. I'm sure you've noticed that many individuals and groups try to enhance their self-esteem by diminishing others.

Keep the lines of communication open in the family without inviting others to blame or take sides in your battles. It's

Everything in this world that is truly worth doing takes practice. Courage is no exception.

When we talk about a person being a problem, rather than directly to the person, we add to the underground anxiety and make it harder for the talked-about person to behave with confidence and competence.

We can learn to sit more comfortably with our confusion. We can operate from a solid position of self, even when the other person won't speak to us at all.

how we may be too responsible for another person and, at the same time, not responsible enough for our own behavior.

We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue

tr?irile emoÈ›ionale intense, indiferent cât ar fi de p?trunz?toare, nu È›in locul unei apropieri reale, care rezist? în timp. Intensitatea si intimitatea nu sunt acelaÈ™i lucru, chiar dac? mulÈ›i oameni le confund?.

Whatever we seek to hide makes shame grow.

children are the carriers of whatever has been left unresolved from the generations that went before.

It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about.

Kavga etmek ve suçlamak kimi zaman, bir yöne ya da diÄŸerine doÄŸru ad?m atmaya haz?r olmad???m?z zamanlarda, hem statükoyu korumak hem de statükoya baÅŸkald?rmak amac?yla kulland???m?z bir yoldur.

Son olarak da, çoÄŸu ciddi öfke sorunlar?n?n ard?nda yatan ÅŸey, benliksizleÅŸmektir.