Quotes from W.C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.