Quotes from W.C. Fields

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

Women are crazy about pets. They're just crazy. Pets have nothing to do with it.

Waitress: Don't be so free with your hands. Fields: Listen honey, I was only trying to guess your weight.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Come my flocks, my flower. I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas I'd like to discuss with thee.

The world is such a dangerous place a man is lucky to get out alive.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When I tell you to go out and tell one of these palookas that I'm out, go out and tell 'em I'm out. Don't have these buzzards walk in on me. When I don't wanna see 'em I don't...don't look at me that way.

Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.