Quotes from Ross W. Greene

A common belief about behaviorally challenging kids is that they have learned that their challenging behavior is an effective means of getting their way and coercing adults into giving in, and that their parents are passive, permissive, inconsistent disciplinarians. If this view hasn't led to improvements in your child's behavior, you may want to try on some different lenses: your child is lacking skills rather than motivation.

There are three options for dealing with those unsolved problems: Plan A refers to solving a problem unilaterally, through the imposition of adult will. Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively. Plan C involves setting aside an unsolved problem, at least for now. If you intend to follow the guidance provided in this book, the Plans—especially Plan B—are your future.

The school discipline program isn't working for the kids who aren't doing well and isn't needed by the kids who are.

He knows just what buttons to push. We should reword this one so it's more accurate: when he's having difficulty being flexible, dealing adaptively with frustration, and solving problems, he does things that are very maladaptive and that adults experience as being extremely unpleasant.

Now you know: these skills don't come naturally to all children. We tend to think that all children are created equal in these capacities, and this assumption causes many adults to believe that behaviorally challenging children must not want to do well. Now you know better.

if the punishments a child has already received for their concerning behaviors haven't put an end to these behaviors, it must be because the punishments didn't cause the child enough pain. So, they add more pain.

QUESTION: What if my child and I agree on a solution and then she won't do what she agreed to? ANSWER: As you've read, that's usually a sign that the solution wasn't as realistic and mutually satisfactory as you may have first thought. That's not a catastrophe, just a reminder that the first solution to a problem often doesn't get the job

If your child isn't following through, it's probably not because she won't but because she can't.

In the Empathy step, kids practice reflecting on their concerns and expressing those concerns in ways that other people can hear and understand.

In the Define Adult Concerns step, kids practice listening to another person's concerns (what many of us refer to as empathy), taking another person's perspective, and appreciating how their behavior is affecting others.

In the Invitation step, kids get practice at considering a range of solutions to a problem, considering the likely outcomes of those solutions, and shifting from a solution that only works for them to a solution that will work for other people, too.

because of maturation and/or because new skills and improved relationships were developed when the medication was being prescribed, it is sometimes possible to discontinue the medication. Ultimately, the question of whether a child should remain on medication must be continuously revisited.

parental attention is never distributed with 100 percent parity in any family, and parental priorities are never exactly the same for each child in any family. In your family, everyone gets what they need, which is different for everyone.

There are basically three options for handling unsolved problems. I call those options Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. Plan A refers to solving a problem unilaterally. This is where adults decide upon and impose a solution. Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively. And Plan C involves setting aside an unsolved problem

Solutions arrived at through Plan A are not only unilateral, but they're also uninformed. With Plan A, you're not trying to find out what's making it hard for your child to meet a particular expectation, and you're not trying to address those factors. Uninformed solutions are shots in the dark. Better to take aim.

With Plan A, you're trying to solve the problem through the use of power. Power causes conflict. If you teach power, you'll get power back. In other words, being unilateral is a good way to get your kid to respond in kind.

The problem is not that caregivers sometimes use Plan A. The problem is that caregivers use Plan A a lot and stick with it even when it's not working.

Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step.

The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from your child to understand what's making it difficult for them to meet a certain expectation. If you don't gather that information, the problem will remain unsolved. Just like the rest of us, kids have legitimate concerns: hunger, fatigue, fear, the desire to buy or do certain things, the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don't feel competent.

Kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing the concerns of their caregivers. Over time, such kids also become far less receptive to talking to their parents.

I've noticed that . . ." and ends with the words "What's up?

I've noticed that it's been difficult for you to stick with the thirty-minute time limit on playing video games. What's up?

the child's initial response seldom provides a clear understanding of their concern or perspective, so you're going to need to probe for more information. I call this probing process "drilling," and there's no doubt that drilling is the hardest part of all of Plan B.

Strategy #1: Reflective listening—simply saying back to the child whatever they just said to you—often followed by clarifying statements, like "How so?" or "I don't quite understand" or "I'm confused" or "Can you say more about that?" or "What do you mean?" This is your default drilling strategy, and the one you'll be using most often.