Quotes from Ross W. Greene

Strategy #3: Asking about the situational variability of the unsolved problem; in other words, why is the child meeting the expectation sometimes and not other times?

Strategy #5: Breaking the unsolved problem down into its component parts.

conclusions about each other's motives or thoughts. Others have referred to this pattern as psychologizing or mind reading

Strategy #6: Making a discrepant observation. This is where you're making an observation that differs from information that the child has already provided in the Empathy step.

by making appropriate, corrective statements to set the record straight ("Dad, I don't think that's true at all"), a kid with concerning behaviors may not have those skills and may therefore become extremely frustrated in the face of these inaccuracies.

Some adults, having now made some headway toward understanding their kids' concerns, have difficulty resisting the temptation to revert to form by being dismissive or offering solutions, thereby ending the problem-solving process.

My concern is . . ." or "The thing is .

Speculation is a no-win proposition. Solving problems collaboratively is a win-win proposition.

How the problem is affecting the kid (health, safety, learning) How the problem is affecting others (health, safety, learning)

I wonder if there's a way for us to help you find the words to start each section . . ." (that was the kid's concern) ". . . and still make sure you get some practice at doing that so it won't always be so hard for you and so that you can express your really good ideas" (that was the adult's concern).

Another maladaptive communication pattern is overgeneralization. It refers to the tendency to draw global conclusions in response to isolated events.

Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Too often we assume that the only person capable of coming up with a good solution to a problem is the adult.

When you use Plan B, you do so with the understanding that the solution is not predetermined. If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before you start trying to solve it, then you're not using Plan B . . . you're using a "clever" form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a "clever" form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative, Plan A is unilateral.

the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they're agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties).

An adult's mentality or philosophy about children is what guides and governs his or her response when a student is not doing well. Many schools have adopted a kids do well if they can mentality. Regrettably, many are still stuck in the kids do well if they want to rut.

You sure you can do that? Let's make sure we come up with a solution we can both do").

it's good for the kid and adult to acknowledge that the problem may require additional discussion, because there's actually a decent chance that the first solution won't solve the problem durably.

In many two-parent families, one parent is primarily disposed toward imposition of adult will (convinced that more authority would get things squared away), and the other is primarily disposed toward just letting things go (having become convinced that more authority is only making things worse and that family peace is more important than compliance).

While it's tempting to focus on your child's behaviors, in this book we'll be focusing instead on the expectations they are having difficulty meeting that are causing those behaviors. That crucial distinction is going to make a world of difference.

Adults sometimes become impatient in the midst of Plan B and head for Plan A or Plan C.

history has taught them that disagreements are always handled using Plan A.

Plan B consists of three steps or ingredients: The Empathy Step: Gathering information about and understanding what's making it hard for your child to meet a given expectation. The Define Adult Concerns Step: Being specific about why it's important that the expectation be met (how the problem is affecting the kid and/or others). The Invitation Step: Collaborating with your child to find a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.

In schools, as in homes, there's a tendency to work on the hot-button problem that precipitated a challenging episode on a particular day. But because unsolved problems wax and wane, the hot-button unsolved problem that was the focal point on one day is often replaced by a different hot-button unsolved problem the next.

it's common for adults to be incorrect in their assumptions about what's making it hard for a child to meet an expectation. If you enter the Empathy step quite certain that you already know his concern, you're at risk for perfunctory drilling and/or for steering the ship toward a predetermined destination. But