Quotes from Lori Gottlieb

The inability to say no is largely about approval-seeking—people imagine that if they say no, they won't be loved by others. The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself.

In this room, I'm going to see you, and you'll try to hide, but I'll still see you, and it's going to be okay when I do.

There's a term for this irrational fear of joy: cherophobia (chero is the Greek word for "rejoice").

But too often people feel pressured to forgive and then end up believing that something's wrong with them if they can't quite get there—that they aren't enlightened enough or strong enough or compassionate enough. So what I say is this: You can have compassion without forgiving. There are many ways to move on, and pretending to feel a certain way isn't one of them.

Every person you've been close to lives on somewhere inside you. Your past lovers, your parents, your friends, people both alive and dead (symbolically or literally)—all of them evoke memories, conscious or not. Often they inform how you relate to yourself and others. Sometimes you have conversations with them in your head; sometimes they speak to you in your sleep.

That's why it's especially important to be the people we want to be now, to become more open and expansive while we're able to. A lot will be left dangling if we wait too long.

Do you think I'm a bad person?" she'd ask, and I'd assure her that everyone who comes to therapy worries that what they think or feel might not be "normal" or "good," and yet it's our honesty with ourselves that helps us make sense of our lives with all of their nuances and complexity. Repress those thoughts, and you'll likely behave "badly." Acknowledge them, and you'll grow.

during internship, we learned to sit close to the door in case "things escalated" and we needed an escape route),

Whereas in their younger years, people often come to therapy to understand why their parents won't act in ways they wish, later on, people come to figure out how to manage what is. And so my question about my mother has cone from "Why can't she change?" to "Why can't I?

Insight is the booby prize of therapy" is my favorite maxim of the trade, meaning that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't change when you're out in the world, the insight—and the therapy—is worthless

Almost is always the hardest, isn't it? Almost getting something.

Jack Kornfield said: "A second quality of mature spirituality is kindness. It is based on a fundamental notion of self-acceptance." In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus self-esteem (a judgment: Am I good or bad?).

what-aboutery," the practice of diverting attention from the difficulty under discussion by raising a different problematic issue. ("Never mind X, what about Y?")

happiness be classified as a psychiatric disorder and be included in future editions of the major diagnostic manuals under the new name: major affective disorder, pleasant type.

First you will do, then you will understand. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and experience something before its meaning becomes apparent. It's one thing to talk about leaving behind a restrictive mindset. It's another to stop being so restrictive. The transfer of words into action, the freedom of it...

No matter how open we as a society are about formerly private matters, the stigma around our emotional struggles remains formidable.

Neuroscientists discovered that humans have brain cells called mirror neurons that cause them to mimic others, and when people are in a heightened state of emotion, a soothing voice can calm their nervous systems and help them stay present.

As to your question--is there such a thing as a fairy tale romance? Prudie would say yes, and in fact she has had one. Alas, they do not endure. Fairy tales are to romance what fireworks are to the night sky. They are transient states...and while temporarily thrilling, not what one builds a life around.

The nature of life is change

it's okay to hold one person in your heart and fall in love with another, that our capacity for love is big enough for both.

resist change.

I try to wrap my mind around this paradox: self-sabotage as a form of control. If I screw up my life, I can engineer my own death rather than have it happen to me.

Years later, when I've done thousands of first sessions, and information-gathering has become second nature, I'll use a different barometer to judge how it went: Did the patient feel understood?

Infant (hope)—trust versus mistrust Toddler (will)—autonomy versus shame Preschooler (purpose)—initiative versus guilt School-age child (competence)—industry versus inferiority Adolescent (fidelity)—identity versus role confusion Young adult (love)—intimacy versus isolation Middle-aged adult (care)—generativity versus stagnation